Blog Going On Hiatus - Network Executives Cite Poor Ratings

Ottawa - November 30 2004

Network stuffed shirts announced today that ailing internet Web log Vis Comica would be put on hiatus and all new postings suspended while new writers attempt to "re-tool" and "work out some kinks".

The once-popular site, known for its rambling diatribes on politics and pop culture, has been struggling of late in the ratings, lagging just behind Triumphfan's "Poopblog" and perennial favourite "ANABLE-US", a site run by the Arkansas chapter of the National Association of Belly Lint Enthusiasts, in the quest for daily hits.

When asked to comment on the site's downward slide, spokesperson Luis Bernstein-Garcia offered the network's theory:

"We think this may have something to do with the fact that the guy who runs this thing --I think his name is Jeff -- has not been posting nude pictures of pre-op trannies, which was how this blog was pitched to us in the first place"

The head writer of the site, alcoholic recluse Jamal Leders, could not be reached for comment, but is believed to have retired to his cabin in the woods of Northern Quebec to work on new topics for the blog and shave his backhair. Sources close to the writer describe his state of mind as "strangely euphoric", but caution that this may be largely due to the copious amounts of glue he has been sniffing following the end of his short marriage to a philipino mail-order bride.

It is said that Leders suffered a complete emotional breakdown following a recent meeting with network honchos where he was told his blog would be suspended, but staffers remain confident that he will return to the network family if he can put his personal life back in order.

"No one likes to see someone go to pieces like that. You tell the guy that it's OK to cry, but part of you is thinking Come on man, have some dignity" offered Clovis Van Der Veldt, Associate editor for Blogworld Syndicated, who was present at the meeting.

At the present time, officials refuse to speculate on Vis Comica's return date, but assure loyal readers that they remain behind the blog and are committed to its continued existence, as long as something more profitable does not come along. They remind visitors to the site that the links and archives will remain operative until they figure out how to pull the plug.

Now that I have seen how little storage space I'm gonna have in my new place, there's no getting around it... I'm gonna have to get my IKEA on!

I'm such a hypocrite. Barely two weeks ago I was bragging about my minimalist tendencies, and now I'm scurrying off to that unholy temple of swedish conformity to stockpile lamps and bins!...

What would Tyler Durden say?

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside


We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life

SWICHFOOT
is a San Diego Rock band with a distinctive sound and a refreshing outlook on life.

Their style of rock is as accessible as any mainstream act you are liable to come across, and yet their lyrics are infused with a spiritual message that is far from "preachy".

Little known fact: Their single "We were meant to live" was inspired by this 1925 poem by T.S. Elliot with the frequently-quoted ending:


The Hollow Men

I


We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats' feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom
Remember us -- if at all -- not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men.


II


Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death's dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There, the eyes are
Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind's singing
More distant and more solemn
Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer
In death's dream kingdom
Let me also wear
Such deliberate disguises
Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed staves
In a field
Behaving as the wind behaves
No nearer --

Not that final meeting
In the twilight kingdom


III


This is the dead land
This is cactus land
Here the stone images
Are raised, here they receive
The supplication of a dead man's hand
Under the twinkle of a fading star.

Is it like this
In death's other kingdom
Waking alone
At the hour when we are
Trembling with tenderness
Lips that would kiss
Form prayers to broken stone.


IV


The eyes are not here
There are no eyes here
In this valley of dying stars
In this hollow valley
This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places
We grope together
And avoid speech
Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless
The eyes reappear
As the perpetual star
Multifoliate rose
Of death's twilight kingdom
The hope only
Of empty men.


V


Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o'clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow

For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow


Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow

For Thine is the Kingdom


For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

Vindicated

I am selfish

I am wrong

I am right

I swear I'm right

I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well

I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself


Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional

True story:

Today I stepped into the elevator at work at around 5:45 pm. An exhausted-looking gentleman was standing in one corner with his trenchcoat in the crook of his elbow. I gave him a quick glance and said "Good evening sir! How are you?" as cheerfully as I could. "Good evening... I'm doing fine... um, being kept very busy.... very busy" murmurred Michel Dorais, Judy Sgro's Deputy Minister.

"I'm sure you must be" is all I could answer.

one last party at 259 Bay 

Farewell to 259 Bay 

I was telling a friend the other day about my theory regarding Iraq, and it
occured to me that I had never properly articulated it before, so, for the first time in writing, here goes.

1991: Gulf War. Coalition Forces defeat Saddam Hussein's army, driving it out
of Kuwait and back into Iraq. Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Colin
Powell is among those who advise against the invasion of Iraq, intimating that a
full-scale invasion would commit the U.S. and the international community to a
long term occupation of Iraq, possibly involving a drawn out period of fighting
insurgents, islamic fundamentalists and foreign fighters from the region who
rush in to fill the vaccuum in the wake of Hussein's downfall. "No way" says
President Bush Senior. A no-fly zone is established, the U.N. imposes economic sanctions and puts forward resolution after resolution in the U.N. calling for Hussein to disarm in the years that follow.

next ten years: First World Trade Centre Bombing, al Qaeda's rise to prominence. Bombing of U.S.S. Cole, ect. ad nauseam.

2001: September 11th.

2003: There is no direct link between September 11th and Saddam Hussein. U.S.
administration's strategy: Create one. Expansion of "War-on-Terror",
Axis-of-Evil, Doctrine of pre-emptive war paves the way. States giving aid and
comfort to terrorists are now legitimate targets. Following the failure of
sanctions and the expulsion of UN weapons inspectors, Secretary of State Colin
Powell is among those who advise against the invasion of Iraq, intimating that a
full-scale invasion would commit the U.S. and the international community to a
long term occupation of Iraq, possibly involving a drawn out period of fighting
insurgents, islamic fundamentalists and foreign fighters from the region who
rush in to fill the vaccuum in the wake of Hussein's downfall. "Exactly" says
President Bush Junior.

Fight them there so we don't have to fight them at home.

One event can change everything.

Demon Diarrhoea?

Historian Donald E. Graves describes the conditions in Winfield Scott's camp near Buffalo prior to the invasion of the Niagara peninsula during the War and 1812:

"Discipline is but the second object," Scott informed his officers, "the first is the health of troops," and from the outset he followed this credo. He ordered his men to bathe three times a week in the lake under the supervision of an officer who was to ensure that they were to "wash themselves from head to foot, but not to remain immersed in the water more than five minutes." Unusual for the time, this insistence on hygiene paid dividends - from April to the beginning of July, only two men died of sickness at Flint Hill and, to the amazement of medical personnel, "even the demon diarrhoea appeared to have been exorcised by the mystical power of strict discipline and rigid police!"

From the book Where Right and Glory Lead! The Battle of Lundy's Lane, 1814

Just think: This was an era where sickness often decimated armies before their campaigns had even started... If a few more American Generals had told their men to take baths like Scott did, Canada might now be a part of the United States!

Have you seen THIS SITE? Nothing more pathetic than a bunch of weepy wankers pretending to apologize in order to make a political statement. OK, so you are pissed about the fact that Bush got back in, but excuse me... what the heck are you really sorry about? Sorry that the Democrats blew it? Sorry that others don't agree with your particular world view? Are you really apologizing for the results of an election? Why should you apologize for the fact that your countrymen and countrywomen exercised their democratic right?... on the bright side, some of the photos, with their ersatz sentimentality, are downright hilarious.

Y'all just about done with your self-abasement and self-loathing? Good... lets move on, cause honestly... the knockoff sites are getting
OUT
OF
HAND

While everyone is apologizing, I'd like to apologize to our friends to the South for having such a high opinion of all of you... This type of degrading behaviour indicates that not all of you are worthy of my regard.


R.I.P. BIG BABY JESUS.

I dedicate this to all the pretty girls
All the pretty girls, in the world
And the ugly girls too
Cause to me your pretty anyways baby


ODB: the man who introduced KELIS to the world.

Tim and Jim 

Pops thinking he should have brought a warmer coat... bloody Ottawa weather! 

Remembrance Day 2004: At the National War Memorial in Ottawa 

Maybe you have GOOGLED others --I once changed my mind about asking a girl out after digging up some stuff on the Internet (nothing salacious... it had to do with debt, believe it or not) - but have you ever Googled yourself?

It's amazing what you can find out:

I remember when I was a spokesperson for Canada Customs during the Summit of the Americas in 2001 in Quebec City and spoke to someone at the Press-Republican of Plattsburg New York... but I don't remember saying the stuff I am credited with saying... @$&%# media!

I remember serving as a Corporal in the Lake Superior Scottish Regiment at one time, but apparently, I was also a Sapper in the Royal Engineers in 1863. If my third listing is taken into account, my military career spanned over two centuries. Pretty impressive. Between my stints in the military, I must have dabbled in petty theft, although I have no recollection of stealing a pig or any other farm animal, for that matter.

I guess the lesson is Don't believe everything you read online...

I wonder if it is too late to call that girl?

To all those progressive Americans who have decided to leave George Bush's USA and head North to live in the Dominion of Canada in the wake of your recent elections. You are most welcome! However, before you pull up stakes, there are a few things you need to know about this country and how we differ from the United States... we wouldn't want you to have any nasty surprises when you get here, so here goes:

Our taxes are higher... deal with it. Many of you are well-educated and have
the potential to secure high-paying jobs -- For this temerity you will be penalized most severely(incidentally, you better be employable, or we won't let you in as
skilled workers, wink wink). In our northern socialist paradise, we like to level the playing field, so think of this as your opportunity to allow others to experience the utopian health care system you have dreamed of for the U.S. --thanks to the
income taxes that will decimate your disposable income. Hey, at least you'll get your flu shot!

We grow the best dope in the world. BC Bud. And it is decriminalized, which means you can get fined, but you won't go to jail. Also, if you are gay, you can get married in several provinces. That's all I will say about those two little nuggets.

Except in BC (which is barely part of Canada) our winters are really bloody cold --and not Aspen ski holiday cold, or a blustery-Nantucket-in-January cold-- I'm talking bone-cracking, mind numbing, fingers-turn-black-and-fall-off cold. You will undoubtedly find this hard to take... but you may find comfort in the fact that our miserable mosquito-plagued summers are mercifully short.

We are more "British" than you, in the sense that we have a Queen, a Westminster-style
Parliament, and we are generally more subdued and less individualistic
than you... (Peace order and good government, is our credo rather than life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness) but we are in denial about it, in the sense that we have
constructed an identity for ourselves as a multicultural nation, so that we can
pretend that we weren't basically a colony of Britain until the 1930s. Hell, we
didn't even have our own flag until the sixties!

We consider ourselves a mosaic, not a melting pot. In the U.S. a Chinese person who immigrates becomes a Chinese-american. In Canada, a Chinese person who immigrates to Canada is considered Canadian by the Government, but identifies themselves as Chinese to everyone else. Some people say we couldn't be a melting pot because we don't have anything for people to melt into. The anglo side of this bicultural nation is notiorious for its insecurity over its identity, we identify ourselves by what we aren't not what we are.... hence our occasional juvenile outbursts of antiamericanism, masquerading as nationalism....as for the French side... I'm not even gonna go there.

None of your f*cking guns. We really really mean it. Shit, I mean, we've spent over a billion dollars on a gun registry that doesn't event work! That's how serious we are about gun control in this country... and we sure as hell don't have any second amendment type garbage in our constitution. You better not bring anything more dangerous that a BB gun up here or we will confiscate it on your ass. Guns are for cops, soldiers, and the occasional hunter out in the boondocks... That's it. Which raises the inevitable question: Are Canadians a bunch of pussies? Well, that is a complex question.

We like to think that we are a kinder, gentler, country (to borrow a phrase from Bush Sr.)... and yet in our favourite sport (that's hockey... just hockey... not ICE-hockey)bloodletting is a mundane occurence. Also, we have some pretty macho national icons like the mountie, and the voyageur, and the lumberjack... One thing for sure, we USED TO BE tough... real tough. We had the best army fighting in World War I, we had the world's fourth largest Navy in World War 2 (which started, for us, in 1939, NOT in 1941, thank you very much). We once even defended ourselves from invasion by your ancestors (War of 1812) and burnt down the goddamn White House in retaliation --it used to be painted pink. Now, we think our military is for peacekeeping, and only when the U.N. says it is OK. I suppose we have largely forgotten our fathers, but we wear a poppy every November 11, and pretend we remember. In Quebec they do remember (je me souviens), but what they remember is 1759, and the Battle of the Plains of Abraham, which is still being fought today. They are winning.

Finally, our beer is.... different. Our beer is to yours as Aston Martin is to Pinto, as sirloin is to ground chuck, as diamonds are to cubic zirconia.... in short, Democrat beer lovers, to their delight, will reap the unexpected reward of their political choice in the form of access to our vastly superior brews. If that isn't incentive enough to move to Canada, I don't know what is!

Once again, welcome... but you've been warned.

Magnanimity in victory, dignity in defeat

I'll say this... in spite of the nastiness of the campaign, the finale to this election has renewed my faith in the American political process.

In his concession speech, Kerry was the opposite everything his critics accuse him of being: He was warm (emotional, even!)and down-to-earth, he was succinct, he was he was direct and straightforward. It was a heartbreaking glimpse of the statesman he could have been.

In his victory speech, Bush displayed thoughtfulness, humility, and gratitude. Even his detractors must admit that he displayed none of the arrogance and cockiness that sometimes bubbles to the surface in his moments of triumph.

Before the nation descends back into the bitter partisan bickering that has characterized the political landscape for the last few months, I'm just going to enjoy the moment...

Looks like the Republicans have put the boots to the Democrats in Nebraska after all...

The Democrat's chosen one, Barak Obama, comes highsteppin' into the endzone and does a funky touchdown dance to celebrate his Senate seat in Illinois. Someone to watch in the years to come.

10:40... Ay Dios mio! Bush is winning the hispanic vote in Florida? Kerry may go southcentral on the fool's ass on the left coast, but in the nubby-state, the barios are painted red, ese!


It is 11:30. As it stands right now, Bush is ahead in the popular vote, but the electoral college is what counts. Shades of 2000 (the damn election looks like a carbon-copy of the last one anyway)... looks like we have to wait for the decision.
I'm going to bed!

If Bush ends up winning this thing.... the pundits are shaking their well-coifed heads. I mean come on! The economy is lethargic, Iraq, if not a quagmire, is certainly not a pretty picture. The intelligentsia, Michael Moore, Hollywood, minority groups, the media, your uncle Jerome, your yuppie neighbours... they are all against Bush. Any half-decent Democratic candidate should have handed George his ass. How could this happen? Who are these people that may be giving the White house back to Bush? I know! Let's pin it on the religious right! Maybe these supposedly-outside-the-mainstream turned out to vote in droves? You remember, of course... These are the people that made the Passion of the Christ a $500 million box office smash after the Liberal elite had written off the "art flick" as lacking in mainstream appeal and consigned it to box-office oblivion. Apparently, there are alot more rght-wing wackos out in the heartland than the Democrats thought. If Bush wins, is the mainstream about to be redefined in America?

Some random musings on election night in the U. S. of A....

seven-thirtyish... I'm watching CNN. They are going to great pains to tell us that they will absolutely, positively NOT CALL ANY STATE until they are 100% sure of which way it is gonna go... and just because they are NOT CALLING A STATE, that does not necessarily mean that the state is "too close to call". Gotcha. Consider that ass covered.

Terry McAuliffe, that obnoxious DNC jerkoff, has a vague, slightly annoying accent I can't place. Sorta sounds Midwestern. You know, the people who say "sari" when they mean sorry, and call hockey "ice-hackey" SHUDDER!

I'm oblivious... Until tonight, I had no idea that Red is for REPUBLICAN and Blue is for DEMOCRAT. I thought it was vice versa... like up here in the great white north where tories have always been BLUE, unless they are RED tories, meaning conservatives who are social liberals --I dunno, the whole bleeding heart thing? Isn't there some kind of association there?

The Liberal party has always been les rouges, as far as I know. The Green party is green, of course, the NDP is, uh, green too, but more of a pukey green, and the Bloc is... who cares.

CNN reiterates that they will no call any state unless... yeah, yeah, I heard you the first time, Judy!

Candy Crowley of CNN: Like Otto from the Simpsons would say... "uh, you used to be a dude, right?"

8:25 pm... Everyone is so enthusiastic about the early returns! The Democrats are thrilled, the Republicans are confident... I see some burst bubbles in someone's future.

sidebar - Vanessa Kerry: She looks like her dad in drag... except her eybrows actually move.

8:40 pm... President Bush carries the old Dominion of Virginia, as expected, and North Carolina (home state of John Edwards!) but Pennsylvania still hangs in the balance

9:15... rumours of another Miami-Dade cock-up abound. Election threatens to drag for days....

9:40 bush Punks out Kerry for one of Maine's electoral college votes, but Kerry puts the kibosh on that gambit by taking one of Nebraska's... end result. nil gain for either candidate.

So far, nothing but speculation and wishful thinking from my usual web haunts....

It is official. Barring any unforseen complications, I will be moving to a new place at the end of this month. It is a lovely little flat in a 6 story building in the heart of Sandy Hill, and only a 20 minute walk from work. I don't really have much of a choice, since the next occupants of my current place will be arriving at the begining of the month.... they have a really interesting plan for remodelling the building. You've heard of open concept? Well they are going to do "open air concept"... basically, they are going to gut the apartment and tear it down to the foundations. How avant-guard! They are levelling half of my block to build condos. I thought the building boom was over and that the housing market had levelled off, but a walk around my neighbourhood would disabuse you of that notion. Centretown is being transformed as heritage buildings and delapidated houses like mine make way for condos and townhouses way out of my price range.

Moving in December is going to be such fun, what with the snow and bitter Ottawa cold and all! On the bright side, my minimalist tendencies mean that I really don't have that much stuff to move. I suppose that one day, in the distant or not-too-distant future I will become a much more efficient and voracious consumer, stockpiling massive quantities of products, furniture and appliances, in a desperate search for fulfillment. For now, I subscribe to Tyler Durden's philosophy about material goods: "The things you own... end up owning you"

When I was a member of the The "Lake Sups", a Reserve Infantry Regiment in Thunder Bay, I trained with guys from a number of different units, including The Loyal Edmonton Regiment. The Loyal Eddies, and many other proud Canadian Regiments, bear this name proudly on their battle-scarred Regimental colours:
ORTONA

This week, Canadians REMEMBER

"It wasn't hell. It was the courtyard of hell. It was a maelstrom of noise and hot, splitting steel...the rattling of machine guns never stops ... wounded men refuse to leave, and the men don't want to be relieved after seven days and seven nights... the battlefield is still an appalling thing to see, in its mud, ruin, dead, and its blight and desolation (...) With the fall of Ortona, the battle of the Moro river is over, and there is a new name to add to the list of great deeds of the war...neither in this war nor in any other has there been anything more bitter and intense. The Canadians beat two of the finest German divisions that ever marched in a long fury of fire and death ending in the appalling week of Ortona."

Matthew Halton