So the onion AV Club tells me Apple and Moses’ mom and Chris Martin’s part-time punching bag has a new website up.
It is called, problematically, GOOP, which I theorize (absent any evidence) stands for Gareth, Owen, Ophelia, and Percy, which are the names of her next four kids as selected by Coldplay’s singer. Proper English names, they are, not like Apple bloody Martin or Moses ("that’s it, no more sodding silly names from you, love" said Chris). Her intro essay reads:
My life is good because I am not passive about it. I want to nourish what is real, and I want to do it without wasting time. I love to travel, to cook, to eat, to take care of my body and mind, to work hard. I love being a mother who has to overcome my bad qualities to be a good mother. I love being in spaces that are clean and feel nice....
Make your life good. Invest in what's real. Cook a meal for someone you love. Pause before reacting. Clean out your space. Read something beautiful. Treat yourself to something. Go to a city you've never been to. Learn something new. Don't be lazy. Workout and stick with it. GOOP. Make it great.
The AV Club reacts angrily:
Your first sentence should read, "My life is good because I'm Gwyneth Fucking Paltrow and I'm really good friends with Mario Batali, who asks me to travel around Spain with him eating delicious food and going to spas and then the whole thing is sponsored by Chipotle and shown on public television because, again, I'm Gwyneth Paltrow. GOOP that, suckers."
I was watching that show for a minute or two, and it kinda blew my mind. The whole time I am thinking: "So let me get this straight, Gwynneth... you won't be sinking your chompers into some pata negra? You disgust me".
Gwynnie and Mario: BFF!
Anyway, I like her writing style. And it is easy to imitate. Just string together a bunch of random oblique commands in no particular, and presto, you have Gwyneth Paltrow advice!
The AV club commenters can lend a helping hand to get you started:
Make your life good. Invest in what's real. Cook a meal for someone you love. Pause before reacting. Close cover before striking. Not exactly as illustrated. May contain peanuts or process cheese food. Clean out your space. Read something beautiful. Treat yourself to something. Don't talk with your mouth full. Don't fidget when I talk to you. Stop tracking mud across my nice, clean floor. Don't give me that look. Go to a city you've never been to. Learn something new. Don't be lazy. Workout and stick with it. GOOP. Make it great. Every woman adores a Fascist, the boot in the face, the brute, brute heart of a brute like you.
Oh, there's plenty more...
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BONUS
My thoughts on the first Obama McCain debate, in twelve words or less:
It was a draw. McCain needed a win. Obama wins by default.
