Swompdonkey

I am hooked! I watched the first episode of the latest edition of that insipid and wildly successful show, the Bachelor. The Epic begins with our intro to Jesse Palmer, who I understand is from Barrhaven, near Ottawa. We find out he is one of those all-american types, except for the fact that he is canajan. U of Miami grad, backup QB for the Giants, big hunk of clean-cut manhood, etc... on to the women... nearly all hotties, but AH! There's a twist! One of the babes is actually Jesse's best friend (not a dude in drag, she actually is a girl) deep undercover! She is posing as a contestant and will be reporting to Jesse throughout the proceedings. How machiavellian! The audience doesnt get to see her or hear her real voice, so we are left guessing about her identity too... she is blonde, but so are 13 other women in the house.

We get the usual drive up in the limo and the assortment of bachelorettes trickle out. Some are incredibly dynamic, others nervous and shy. Jesse is poised and charming throughout. This guy is the shit... all the girls think so, because you see their hilarious reactions to him as they enter the house and
play to the camera. Some of them are already acting like nasty bitches and they have been on the show for all of two minutes.

Next, we get the "cocktail", where Jesse chats with each of the ladies, one after another. One of the girls is from Quebec City (naturally, she is a stone cold fox) and Jesse busts out some pretty decent french on her --subtitled for our yankee brethren. He exclaims with delight when he first meets her "you're
from Quebec City? I'm from Ottawa!" Jeah, Jesse. Representin'!

Next twisterino, that obnoxious host guy tells Jesse he has to give a long-stemed rose to the girl who made the best first impression... she will be exempt from the selection process that night. So Jesse proceeds to chose the girl with the longest stems. Some dopey fucking model. James begins to question
Jesse's judgment. "I'm ready for marriage and kids" talk aside, our boy has chosen a pretty obnoxious broad. (cut to shots of her being catty, ungracious, flaunting her rose) Some of the women are appalled. One of the women, the med student, I think, with whom I am already in love, says "who cares who gets the first rose, as long as I get the last one" Testify, sister!!!

There is definitely marriage material in this bunch, but will our hero triumph over wits dulled by years of head trauma on the grid-iron and come alive to this fact? Stay tuned.

Highlight of the night, or maybe lowlight (they build toward this crescendo for the better part of one-and-a-half hours) is Jesse's big fumble... the worst gaffe in the history of the show. It is third and goal... the QB has marshalled his forces for a 70 yard drive down field. The goal ligne seems inches away. He
lines up behind the centre... He calls an audible... Snap! It's the wrong audible! (end of football analogies).

Basically, he says the wrong name for the last girl he is selecting for a rose! The girl springs forward, delighted to take the rose, Jesse stammers, gives it to her, and looks about nervously.. finally calls the host outside, leaving the women perplexed... He explains his mistake (in all fairness, they are similar
names --katie and karen, or something)... the host looks like he is thinking "Is this guy for real"... Jesse is in agony, he feels terrible about the mistake and is sweating under the hot lights. Will the show take a giant shit all over one of the girls as her dreams are crushed and her rose is snatched from her little
hands? The host leaves it up to Jesse what to do.

Then Jesse does something that earns my respect. He owns up: This is serious, we're talking potential marriage here... I made a mistake, now I have to go out there and fix it -- or words to that effect. He marches out and explains what happened to the assembled women, apologizing to them. Class act! The host interjects, telling Katie that even though the rose was not intended for her, she has the option of staying. Tears in her cute little eyes, she elects to do that and "see what happens". A sixteeth rose is produced and awarded to the "right" girl (I use the term loosely, because she is an annoying beauty pageant winner, but anyway)

The jilted suiterettes (suiteresses?) say their goodbyes, and we close with a montage of what the season has in store --so tasty, you could eat it on a bun! I will spare you any more details, but it involves a shocking revelation and a stalker! Gasp!

Needless to say, I'll be tuning in next week... I'm so ashamed.