Swompdonkey

Variety is the spice of life

Colby's latest column on the Pigeonhole Principle (From January 14th's National Post) raises the alarm on the reproductive revolution in the developing world and the resulting "engineered" sex ratios -- another by-product of the colision of traditional social values and modernity. Basically, many people prefer to have male children, and are taking the necessary measures to ensure they have them. As a result, for the first time since humankind first appeared, the species is consistently producing more male offspring than female. What are the implications? The mind reels...

Meanwhile, Nero plays his Lyre (not his fiddle, as widely reported) as Rome burns



In a not entirely unrelated vein, Zombie goes for a walk.

So now they have a catchy name: The Condinistas begin to gear up for a White House Run in 2008.

Shocking news: Nice Guy Eddie just passed away.

Let me say this out loud, 'cause I wanna get it straight in my head. You're saying that Mr. Blonde was gonna kill you, then when we got back, he was going kill us, take the satchel of diamonds, and scram. I'm right about that, right? That's correct? That's your story? Mr. Orange: I swear on my mother's eternal soul that's what happened. Nice Guy Eddie: The man you just killed was just released from prison. He got caught at a company warehouse full of hot items. He could've fuckin' walked. All he had to do was say my dad's name, but he didn't; he kept his fucking mouth shut. And did his fuckin' time, and he did it like a man. He did four years for us. So, Mr. Orange, you're tellin' me this very good friend of mine, who did four years for my father, who in four years never made a deal, no matter what they dangled in front of him, you're telling me that now, that now this man is free, and we're making good on our commitment to him, he's just gonna decide, out of the fucking blue, to rip us off?
Why don't you tell me what really happened? "

Someone was bound to write something on Jack Bauer's propensity for wounding people with bullets in order to extract information and the US policy on torture. Jack Bauer and the Ethics of Urgency is a thought-provoking take on this timely topic.

Speaking of which....

In the spirit of Norris, here is Bauer:

1. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

2.Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

3.If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

4.Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

5.Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

6.Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

7.Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

8. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

9.If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're fucked.

10.Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

11.Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

12.If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.

13.When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

14.Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

15.If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.

16.Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.

17.Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.

18.Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

19.As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"

20.While being 'put under' in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

21.Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.

22.Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

23.Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

24.Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

25.Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

26.If Jack's starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.

27.When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

28.Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

29.David Spade always says 'yes' to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.

30.Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...

BONUS: Say it ain't so! Jack's Pops is a pinko!!!